Self-observation and Self Scultping

During the past days I can say it has been a little different for me as Holidays are happening, and it is a moment of much more interaction for some families.
But being among family is bringing me an exercise in self-observation. In how I see the reaction of people, how I see my reactions. I realize that I can not deal much more with certain types of human interactions. The superficial conversations, the comments, the criticisms of always. You try to be neutral, smile, try to play the game, but there are times when you just want to be you. Stay quiet. Be neutral. Just because you are quiet does not mean you do not like where you are, or what is happening. But I see that people need interaction, forced laughter, to please and to be pleased, to praise, to fill the silence.

The world is so noisy, why so much noise?
Why are the lines so loud, the laughter so loud? All drunkenness and egos dispute?
Why do people bother and criticize what is different? What is Silent?
Why does the quiet make people uncomfortable? Why does silence bother them?
Why does your neutral mood upset them?
Where is the respect? Why is direct criticism intentional to cause you discomfort?
Why being on the opposite side uncomfortable for them?
Why does your most serious face cause people to make comments about you when you're just there, or are not well? Why do you have to pretend to be?
We talk so much that we need to be ourselves, but how? if sometimes within your own home there is no respect for your more reclusive behavior?
For everything they seem to have comments ... If you get a cup of coffee at 11 pm comes the criticism: "oh coffee at this time?"
If you are in pain and you are more quiet comes the criticism ... "You are too quiet"
If you say that you are in pain comes the criticism, "oh, but you are so young and always full of pain ..."

It's hard, being in society is getting harder and harder. I know it is necessary because there is a life with things to be done, but my words are not in the tone of criticism or trying to play the victim, it is not in the tone of forced mysticism like, "I am sensible I can not live with people", this need to get this thing off my chest is real, this interaction is becoming increasingly complicated, especially with "normal" people.

I am not saying I am special, or something like that, but it has been hard to deal with this "matrix " , all the superficial talks, and vanities, and much more. I try to learn from everything, and I believe there is a lesson for me there. This observation of my surroundings and of myself.
But the conclusion I am getting is that, it is like a different vibration, a more silent and slow one is the one I live in, that is quite complicated when hit by all this agitation.

I see it is one of the most faces of this Path, that brings a lot of change, a lot of self awareness. A lot of conflicts, internal ones. At first I thought I had already gone through this stage a long time ago, this awakening, of knowing I used to think and feel the world in a different way than many people around me.
I thought I was ok with that, but what I am realizing it is an endless transformation, and now, it is not only how I see the world, but also, how people see me, and the more distant we get from that they expect us to be, the hardest is the criticism.

I see we tend to be the different ones, and we have to learn how to deal with it. If those comments coming from close people, it is not us that are getting away from them, it is the situation that makes this happen. When you think in a different way, it is like "you are not part of the group anymore ", so you are seen as the weird and the black sheep one.

I feel right now like I am burning in an endless alchemical fire, transmuting, being broken, polished.....and the Fire burns, the hits hurt, but I believe everything is the way it is...

* I have published this same text in a small blog I am writting, but as I am not sure if it is ok to put the address here, I decided just to post the text

Title correction - Self Sculpting*

Yes, I understand that. I suppose it is inevitable as we realize our true selves that we find so much of society to be frivolous and petty and too loud.

One I must deal with, especially now with the holidays is one of those annoying sort that knows it all and, finds everything funny, even at the expense of others. So immature for a 40 year old man. Being neutral simply infuriates him, only laughing with his stupidity seems to keep him civil toward me. Needless to say, he is not civil beyond five minutes in my company.

Always it's my "cold" attitude, my lack of interest in what he say or, my disagreement of how terrible his woes are. Note here that not having a date because you cheated on your last five girlfriends is not a great woe to me.

Fortunately I have another vampiric family member with who I spend the better part of the Holidays. Now that I enjoy. We are both the neutral sort with the rest of the family and, terribly annoying to them but, alone, we enjoy each other's company and, can discuss this or that metaphysical or philosophical topic for hours. We can laugh at self perceptions, at mistakes and, missed opportunities for growth. We bounce off of each other and, point out areas in which the other needs improvement. Now if everyone could be like that, I'd be a total social butterfly but, that is never going to happen, we can't all be vampires.

I and that other person are the total black sheep of the family, anymore we are lucky to even be invited to family gatherings - no one wants to deal with the "cold arses" that we can be in those situations. Really it's only us being neutral, not inciting arguments and, refusing to partake in the petty discussion that are so annoying but, other see it as cold, disinterested, uncaring. So be it - I don't need their approval to live my life as I see fit and right for me.

No doubt I will hear it tomorrow, no gifts from me, no decorations in my home again this year. You'd thing that by now, they would know I don't do holidays and, if I want to give you a gift, I will when ever, for no reason beyond it being what I want to do at the time.

Christmas isn't what it was meant to be, not in the pagan nor christian sense and, I see no reason to rejoice in commercialism and materialism, which is all it is to me. Of course that makes me rather unpopular among most of my family but, at this point, I could care less.

As for dealing with it, I don't save outside my home, then yes, I will play the game but, that's never for very long, a few hours at a time at most.

It really is an endless transformation and, one that seems to destroy the value of human society bit by bit, year by year. One day, society will have nothing more to teach or prod me with and, then I pray I never have to deal with it again but, so long as I do, then there must be something I need out there.