Bête Noire

I'd wondered for a while at the idea of talking about this publicly, it is something I've not done before. It is extremely personal to me and so I have carefully taken my time with posting it. I'd like to know if any others here experience this in the Way that I'll attempt to describe.


To walk about the world and so regularly be alien to so much of it, not as an extent of something but as a simple fact of life, like the need to breathe to sustain your presence here.

"

I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men."

- H.P Lovecraft


And then from that, having momentary lapses of being able to connect to things that are not of your inherent nature. Or sometimes, things that are, or choose to try to be. And when they do rarely occur, experiencing a profound protective instinct of them. I will illustrate with example...



Experiencing this with certain animals -- in my case Bats and Black Cats -- who, despite that you are Stranger, would choose your company where none else do, who come to you and travel at your side as Companion without request, without Ego, often adoringly. There is something so fundamentally moving about this crossing of boundary to me that I cannot adequately explain with words alone. "Kinship" is closest. I am deeply protective of these special allies, considering their time spent with me to be a sacred thing. It would seem that despite all intelligences and range of empathy that Men are equipped with, I fair far better understood by these creatures without my saying anything at all. They are reminders in this way that where I am made anathema in Human Society is irrelevant in their all-seeing eyes. A reflection offered to Me of Truth about Myself. I find similar reciprocity by nocturnal revelry; the sounds that come alive as the forest breathes Moonlight, as the ocean beholding its image re-discovers the shore with the tide for the many-millionth time. Sometimes, in my quietude, I Am these sounds with the absolute knowing that I am not entirely alone. A reminder that I exist as part to a greater whole, as but one facet of the Night. That I need only be Silent to Remember. And then beyond that, that Home awaits in a place that is not found "here"...

A selected artwork that may communicate something interpretable ...

This description reminds me of the partial quote:

"I'm homesick for a place I'm not even sure exists" by Melissa Cox. The full quote contains the same sentiment, but I always felt the first half had the most impact.

I have some thoughts that I'd like to share, but feel that I need time to gather them in a way that ensures the original intent is cherished. Until that time comes, I'd like to better understand the potential source for these feelings. Individually, mine stem from being a beast in sheep's clothing, but I am unsure if this sentiment matches the intent.

I've tired by the time of my writing this of other situations, so it may offer less well-formulated reply. It matters enough to me that I make the effort.

It's very difficult to confine this concept to such simple terminology as that which denotes Feeling, or even to locate origin in just about any provisional sense, as it implies to the less-trained eye a more general connotation and even to the learned something that is base, applicable to the common ideals of the imagery I find my Self in. There is a permanence to what I describe that only "eternal" exists for.


It is like Speaking— "Living"— another language that, although wordless and atemporal, I must translate into audible English, at 5PM sharp with a full accounting of How, Why, When, so on. To manage so succinctly is simply beyond my current skillset.



That said Here is founded upon a more than decade-long introspection and exhaustive research for those that would prove as I experience a more common Thing, and in that time I can say sombrely, and yet with an ironic surreptitious gratitude, that I have met None in the Online or Offline worlds save the writings of Luis Marques that describe at least the sheer Power in this nocturnal relationship. It is a lonesome limbo to wander, and wonder, interchangeably. With respect to your latter interpretation, and while I do find my Self in the manner of it, what I describe goes much further inward than predatory recognition...

The former I absolutely do not agree with in any sense whatsoever. I am quite disgusted by its presence in this thread. This is not a sentiment I share and I question how you arrived at this conclusion at all.

Greetings Tehom, I want to firstly apologize for any upset I have caused you. My initial reply to the thread was intentionally limited for the sake of seeking further information with the intent to be as respectful as possible. A discussion like this is deeply personal and my only desire was to respect the earnest expression found within. With that in mind, I intentionally did not go into detail on any initial point simply for that sake. I have found our discourse very enlightening over the last few days and which to preserve that.

The initial quote which seems to have upset you was just a tangentially related thought shape that came up as I was reading, and it was not my intent to imply that it relates specifically to your circumstance.

Plainly put, I am unsure whether or not what I would have to say would benefit this discussion, hence my desire to limit my initial response. I would never want to turn this expression into something it was never meant to be and on that front I am reluctant to make comparisons. I feel that there is common ground but perhaps not enough. I will give this thread space.

I can accept this, Glasswalker. I am glad you clarified.