The Clarification -- How we each experience Self.

I would like to preface this that I am writing this honestly from my perspective; that is, a being that was incarnated here, and is simply trying to understand what and how things are going on with my experience relative to others.

I honestly recommend the majority just skip this post entirely to preserve good understanding  and hopefully the most experienced can understand what I'm talking about in an empathic way.


[img(1920px,1080px)]https://servimg.com/view/20474029/4#[/img]

I've always found it difficult to assimilate myself to existing spiritual frameworks, as they function more as interpretations than a literal account in most instances. The way I experience reality is altogether different.

Like for instance when most talk about "Ego" -- having a "big ego", a "small ego", a "balanced ego" -- I don't understand these things relationally. Because I am consciously not limited in that way no matter what I do.  Ego to me is an involuntary tool, it's a lens through which I'm forced to communicate eventually. And meditation does not "quieten my ego", it merely activates a certain mode of manifestation here in the physical plane, like adjustment.  From my perspective I feel like I am lying to myself or "going along with the crowd" if I say things like "Yes I have an ego" -- I don't recognize it. Conceptualization creates issues, so I've to start with just myself as I am despite anyone's arguments. Absolutely everything I do, feel, think and feel serves to fulfil purpose -- to express an important thing. though that is only seen so singularly in this plane due to the fragmentation. I am conscious of it in far more ways than any singular goal, and it's only in reducing anything to "egoic" that I stop recognizing what I'm doing.  And I get offended when people simplify my actions and responses in such a way as to compare to me someone who evidently does just have a big ego -- but I cannot always blame them, it's very circumstantial and dependant upon what I pick up on in communicating with their energy naturally. The most innocent souls I connect with best-- with everyone else, even the evolved, there's an issue.

And-- how can I explain this-- the world does not go along irrespective of my experience, from my point of view; everything I do has an impact on what happens, like anyone, but for me, I view *all things* in matters of energy and influence first. So when I am interacting with the physical world, the influenceable field is "native" to my understanding of reality, and this is more a place where that functions. "Surrender" to me, even, I think might mean something differently to the way it does for you-- of course it requires silence to the greater process, but this Silence again does not actually bring me personally closer to "Alive" -- it offers a road by which I am able to be there in a very specific way.  A methodology to explore. I've perceived what it is like to be that way and how it is to be how I am describing, there does exist a difference, and there are differences in the roads themselves. And I am not actually meant to "be" or "do" anything other than be Alive; that's when and how I'm able to help. Just as myself. Otherwise it's constant limitation, toil, while I of course keep working and making changes.

Now methods like "meditation, energy work" etc do not actually balance me in the way I understand balance -- what they do is bring temporary stability. It's a framework for achieving that in this reality. But there is no point to being stable if I am not actually "alive" and alive is only brought forward totally in Balance. Balance to me is not a case of balancing ego, energy, and these other things -- Balance is the *process* of balancing out my relationship described in the image above, resultant of being Myself. Because I continue irrespective of those things. So like this physical body is a machine to you, Ego and these other things are just a machine to me. Energy is my "home." That's literally the only way and place I actually belong, not here like this. I've said many times in my life actually I don't think I'm actually "supposed" to be here.  I have never met anyone, or seen anything, that actually accurately describes how I experience myself, as I'm experiencing myself in totality.  So far, I am a complete alien, even where I really didn't expect I would be at all.

"Vibes" (I don't use this word-- it's nowhere close, but for the sake of comparison) to me are essentially entire metaphysical realities I tune into and gather information from -- I can stay there for years if I want to. And they are discernibly different from anything imagination alone could ever really provide. People often interpret these "vibes" I output as different kinds of very strong, non-native energy, gateways even and although they can't explain them, do assume I'm doing some very intensive energy work requiring... I don't know. "Years of experience".  They make many assumptions about me and many incorrect.  The fact of the matter is this is literally, and I am being bare-faced honest, just my natural experience; I do it automatically. "Will" to me is supposed to be in-tune with higher processes, and merely manifests here as... I guess you could call it an open dialogue, a transfer of information.

The Occult and all its studies while, for you I understand are a matter of evolution, for me are primarily a way to understand myself. I don't accumulate this knowledge to show it off; I study the same way mundanes study core subjects to understand the world they live in. Like biology. It helps me to speak. And I just communicate in a different language to most people...

I can adapt able enough to mundane-reality, and I've unfortunately practiced at being able to do this in a strange way that permits me access back to myself. I don't really find myself "getting lost" because I am always aware -- it's more I am conscious, roughly, of where and how I am at any given moment during all of that occurring. I don't have much of a choice in doing this, because I'm not surrounded by others who are like me, or who can understand me, and have been that way for... wow, since I got here.

Unfortunately I have to deal with people who simply don't really understand why I do anything I do -- it seems unless I give permission, or express to those experienced in Seeing in very specific ways and forms, I simply deceive others constantly. They only ever find a protective illusion with the strange feeling they're encountering something they just do not at all really understand. That's what I've been told, from "There's a void where a person should be" to "You are a very chaotic energy and I can't really attach to you and empathise the way I do with other people."   In the worst cases, they think it's a simple case of XYZ... when it has never been a simple case of anything, at all, in any imaginable way, to those more in the know.

This has hurt me in the past. I smile more now because I'm beyond being hurt by it, I understand. I'm aware of what's going on... somewhat... and really I spend many years at a time patiently, carefully, trying to explain it.

I sometimes get very frustrated with people who respond to me in a way that I perceive as a surrender to ignorance-- that is, I immediately encounter the harsh reality they've made absolutely 0 effort to understand, and have just remained in a limited understanding. And I get angry from there when I notice why they've done it. It can take a long time to let go of, because from my perspective, in that moment, a very important road they might not have been aware of has been closed to them, and I then have to "balance out" all over again. And try again. Some people think the fact all this effort is required at all is something I enjoy to "service my ego" -- I just want to make friends.

I think I am supposed to be co-dependant; that is, I don't see it as a negative thing of weakness. I see it quite beautifully. I do not actually function half as correctly as one singular anything. I am made to be "connected."

I'd love, as I've always wanted, to meet someone who understands in their own way. Perhaps we would spend years studying one another in a kind of ever-evolving, probably indescribable symbiosis.

I've been given advice like "Just exist" before, to which I reply "If only it were so easy." They'll say "I know. It isn't meant to be." But the point blank fact is-- you don't, trust me. You couldn't even imagine.

Personally I can "just exist" -- (as if I'd not tried already), but it doesn't actually solve anything whatsoever. The cycle keeps on perpetuating, the tumbling keeps on going, and I'm not where or how I'm meant to be. It isn't a process, isn't what they're thinking of and the entire Universe screams "You are doing something wrong. Stop. Stop it, now." "Existing" *is* what I am working towards. All the time. Always. It's not something I can "just do" without sufficient effort. It may take an entire lifetime to learn to do in totality here.

No "old view" dies; death and rebirth to me are not things like they are to others. Every possible combination, or method, to how I interpret reality is stored as a potential form to return to. A road. Nothing ever burns. This can drive someone insane if they aren't "anchored", incredibly resilient or, alternatively, learn to surf. I do not recommend the latter. It's absolute Hell, and will utterly devastate you in a way even experts of many kinds, it appears, will struggle to approach.

They don't understand this. They just see something they interpret as unstable, and leave it there. But teaching myself that "instability" is just this messy thing and nothing more has been damning, personally.  It has taken years of constant, unrelenting effort to even begin to find a place where I can consistently, and reliably, express myself to others in an energetic format I am conscious of the fact they can understand. My favourite realm to connect to by far is the Nightside-- and with an immense amount of passion some here may even remember I did extensive work in this and really did get to a stage that makes me teary-eyed, actually, in being able to communicate that to others.

I have sometimes considered just completely leaving people altogether and going away to exist with the spirits, in communion. Forces I've worked with, from what I understand at least, do not want this (really, really don't) and encourage me to keep trying instead.

Dependant on my own state I'm more or less able to connect to these things. Even in writing this message I've already sensed numerous places I'll perhaps lose sight of the way it is understood. And it'll be understood very differently, much later.

I honestly find the most natural understanding in Nature and within the energetic field of everything -- I think I'd actually be happier as a storm or rain or as part of the weather. I really struggle with this physical incarnation process. This write-up has given me a headache of struggle I empathically understand others may have in trying to digest it, so usually I'd just sigh in frustration and delete it all. Because I want to respect this place.  

Responsibility evidently goes a very long way.  :pirat:


Ok. That's me. Now your turn...?
So I'm wondering what challenges you all have faced here on this forum if at all similar. Would you talk to me openly about what reality is like for you?

I empathise deeply with your conception of nature in particular and am personally deeply affected by the capacity of nature to provide a sense of spirituality without my personal need for an actual spiritual belief, such as the one in this forum or elsewhere, despite my personal fascination with such mediums of spiritual expression. The concept of Nature and the Wilderness has long held a unique place in the human psyche, serving as a canvas upon which various philosophical perspectives are painted. The wilderness, in particular, embodies a dual nature, symbolizing both a source of spiritual transcendence and a realm of raw, elemental power. Two distinct philosophical perspectives have emerged and call to me the greatest when it comes to nature and the wilderness, each influencing how and individual perceives and interacts with these environments.

Transcendentalism, as exemplified by Henry David Thoreau's writings, embraces the wilderness as a path to self-discovery and spiritual enlightenment. Within this perspective, nature is seen as a mirror reflecting one's inner self. The journey into the wilderness is often driven by a desire to escape the trappings of urbanized existence and find solace in the untouched wild. Transcendentalists believe that through a deep connection with nature, individuals can awaken their true selves and experience a profound sense of interconnectedness with the universe.

In this philosophical view, the wilderness serves as a catalyst for transcendence, a place where the noise of modern life is replaced by the quiet contemplation of one's existence. The solitude and simplicity of the wilderness are seen as essential elements in the pursuit of higher truths and self-awareness.

One the otherhand, and admittedly one that I find more compelling in the large part because of my own personal views on the value of the self versus the system and structure that provides the self, is perhaps best described as a form of ecocentrism, emphasising the intrisic value of nature and the wildenrness. Rather than seeing the wilderness primarily as a means for personal transcendence, this perspective views the natural world as a complex and interdependent web of life with inherent worth.

My personal favourite author and perhaps best proponent of this perspective, and someone who's writings have had a significant impact on my personal perspective on what it means to take part in the natural process, is Ronald Douglas Lawrence; a relatively unknown writer of some distinction in his adopted home of Canada, though having enjoyed a lowkey popularity of his own choosing.

Those who hold an ecocentric viewpoint, like R. D. Lawrence, recognize that the wilderness is not just a backdrop for human self-discovery but a vital ecosystem in its own right. This perspective acknowledges the significance of the wilderness for its own sake, independent of its role in human experiences. The wilderness is valued for its ability to sustain and nurture life, its contribution to the diversity of species, and its role in maintaining ecological balance.

Ecocentrism also places a strong emphasis on the responsibilities humans have to protect and preserve the wilderness. Acknowledging the destructive impact of human activities on the natural world and advocates for conservation efforts to safeguard these environments for future generations.

I realise of course that I have gone on a slight tangent from the original query, but your point about the role of nature in the perspective of the individual self reminded me of something that I myself am very passionate about. Furthermore, perhaps to directly adress the question in brief without reference to another, I myself find my interpretation and experience of reality to be quietly in tune with the sense that things occurr that are in essence beyond me and more important in every aspect, but nontheless require my individual attention and assistance to persist in a way conducive to my own effective preferences. In combining your ponderings on ego and incorporating my own fascination with ecocentrism (in a sense anyway) I find myself perceiving reality as ultimately constant, but, as you alluded to, unstable. The core elements, the forces that shape the self remain in their own essence, but subject to the machinations of the combined self of the human self and of course our own individual actions on a more minute scale; I find this fascinating and somewhat fulfilling. On a grand scale, we as a race alter nature and bend it to our effective will, though of course nature will remain and persist if not in the form it currently takes, it wins in the end, but not without our influence making its mark. On the individual scale, the point of this post as I see it, your individual surroundings too are subject to your individual influence, you can cut down a tree in your yard, wipe out an ant colony (you get the gist), you can fundamentally alter your individual environment, but the environment as an "entity" will remain, its core processes will persist, though in your image for a time.

I believe this can be extrapolated to facets beyond the physical, you are able to make undeniable changes to the people, workplaces and groups etc you interact with, though my form of acceptance came in remembering that they will go on without me, yet there will always be a record of my prescence, or at least there will be as long as I personally need it to be there to be content in the concreteness of my existence, yet comforted by the concept of things, at times, being beyond the need for or capacity to entertain my influence. I would expand more, but this is already stupid long anyway and nobody really reads these kind of off topic posts anyway, they're really ill-suited to this forum, but then again most posts made here in the last few years are lol.

Guano,

I found your reply very refreshing. Thank you for taking the time to correlate your many thoughts, feelings and perspectives. I look forward to providing you a cohesive reply after I've digested and worked through everything subconsciously. Thanks again.

You're very welcome!

Transcendentalism, as exemplified by Henry David Thoreau's writings, embraces the wilderness as a path to self-discovery and spiritual enlightenment. Within this perspective, nature is seen as a mirror reflecting one's inner self.

I believe this can be extrapolated to facets beyond the physical, you are able to make undeniable changes to the people, workplaces and groups etc you interact with

I think you'd be quite surprised at how much in-line the apparent drive to your attitude is with the Gnosis of Asetianism. It's quite self-evident really. As always we should encourage everyone to find their own truth within its halls and layers as it's a Spiritual Path offering the most comprehensive education on our developing Universe and more...


I do absolutely agree with you in that it's infinitely more valuable than the mind's belief for one to simply go and be in Nature to learn about one's self and many legendary figures of our history echoed the same from an even older time. When there's too much noise anywhere the Trees actually will speak to and hear you... and not just the trees, either.
The greatest discoveries were made by people Listening. It is the best place to train and be taught. So of course we feel such deep desires to return though not all are fully conscious yet to know why. My theory.

If you get the chance you should absolutely go and be with Nature to really learn about yourself and I think it's something every single person should do.

My understanding has improved a lot since my last post. I'm still learning everyday. Thanks.

Also I just had a synchronicity -- I learned the Murchison Meteorite is 7 Billion and 73 years old, being the oldest identified material on Earth, right after making this post. From a comment with 111 upvotes.