Trying to avoid it

Ok, so here is a bit of my story, that I feel I want to share with you all. I hope it's not too long.

As many of you here, I have been aware of something "different" about me all my life. Many subtle experiences and feelings from the time of my childhood and since I can remember, made it clear. I was always suspecting of my nature, and some times it made me feel very uneasy about myself. But for a long time, especially during my teens, the need to "fit in" and - yes, some degree of fear - silenced the voices.

What made me finally "click" came later in life, after a series of tragic disasters in a very short time span. I went through a depression, with your typical debauchery and letting-go phase. Four years later, and quite some prozac later too, I was stable again, and much more serene. All the areas in my life seemed to be working. All was going well for me again. However, out of the blue, last Christmas, I fell deep in a hole of shadows, where there was just nothing. No meaning to anything at all. I can't really explain this feeling, but let me tell you it was pretty scary. It was as if I had been pushed OUT the realm of the "living" and all I saw around me was death and nothingness. It was terrifying.

I said nothing about this to anybody, as I was completely scared s*tless. I only mentioned it to my partner, and he was good enough to offer support, but I only skimmed the surface of what I was going through, as I didnt want to "infect" him or anybody for that matter. So I decided to find a way to "deceive" myself that existence was actually of some meaning. Eventually I started to recover from that. And I felt that again I believed that there would be other lives to be lived. Somehow that made me feel better.

What happened next was unexpected. I went to a music concert with my partner and his friends. It was a gothic-death metal group, German I think, not really my scene, but I have eclectic tastes so I was enjoying it. At one point while there this deep terrible sadness came over me "again". I started to cry like a baby and decided to hide away from the people I was with so that they wouldn't freak out - at this point I already knew there was not way I could explain, and all I could do was "wait it out".

Well I slipped away and hid in a dark corner in the venue, nursing my drink and looking at the ground. At that moment, I physically felt the emotional pain being PULLED away from me. It was as if something was tugging at my chest. And I was dry from that moment on.

It was then that I began this search. I cannot even begin to express how excited I was to finally arrive at a familiar realm. Since then, for the past four months, I've been hungrily reading on Metaphysics, Hermeticism, Vampirism and Asetianism. Most of it seems familiar, it echoes somehow in the back of my mind.

I don't know what happened to me that night, or "who" happened. But since then I feel that my eyes have opened wide.

ps there are many more details I have not gone into, but basically that's the story at large. I felt I needed to tell *someone*. Thank you all for reading. I will also welcome any insight.

In my previous message I forgot to mention that I have also taken a few step backwards in my search. For the past month I decided to do an experiment, to avoid this whole thing, and went back to being "normal" or at least tried to be as far as I could. I was very skeptical and thought I was going through a placebo effect - in order to find meaning. So I tried to wait for it to "go away".

It hasn't. And finally, I can say I have fully accepted myself. That's why Im so enthusiastically posting away

Well, that's it for today. Thank you all.

I would like to start by introducing myself, Hi my name is Ivy.

Ok now that that is out of the way, I empathize completely with what you've said. For the past few months I have been reading many posts and when I came upon this one I felt as if I HAD to reply. I had a similar experience in that I felt a deep sense of sadness awhile ago and I feel as though it was wiped away completely by some force. I have my suspicions on what the "force" was but I don't want to jump the gun. Also I had the same feeling of emptiness previously, as though there was not only no meaning to this life but also to life in general previous or past. But after that experience its as if everything was cleared up and I have a hunger for not only life but also knowledge.

I was unaware of this posting, but that is something I also share in. I came close to personal suicide last year in my depression, and emerged as if I was untouched. I wouldn't say it was a force that did it, but since then I have strongly believed in Kemetian theology and pledged my allegiance to a few Gods who called out to me inside. It is a personal matter I don't feel like explaining completely.

Well, I might as well say that the force I felt pulled me out of this rut or depression was Aset. I began to pray to her and study her, and when I felt the dark feelings again I would stop studying. But, one night I felt as though all the dark feelings I had were completely from me and in there place was only a hunger and longing to know more about her and everything related to her and Kemet.

Thanks for sharing this Syrianeh. I'm glad it got "bumped" up, as I too was unaware of it.

Hi, Ivy. I have been away for a few days and did not read your post until now. I am happy to know you relate. "Insanity" is a good thing to share with others.

I wrote that post a little over a year ago; a lot of surprising things have happened to me since then. But the most outstanding, unexpected, unpredictable thing that has ocurred is that I have been and am at peace with myself.

This is the kind of peace that reconciles personal demons.

I thought I knew it all about myself, but I knew nothing. As someone very wise once said, you must empty yourself out before you really start seeing the inside.

That said, I realize this is just the beginning of the road for me.

Most individuals I have known who feel they have awoken went through a
similar experience. Not so much in circumstance but in nature: that is,
to come out of a very dark personal place and then being somehow
"shown" their true nature.

Many people "embrace" vampirism or the dark arts as a way to run from themselves because they are in turmoil, depressed or troubled. Or because it's the new fad. Most of them are deceiving themselves. That is not true evolution.

True evolution happens when you stop fighting against yourself and just let things happen. When you are ready.

As to that cleansing force you mentioned, whatever has worked for you is good. I am still unsure as to the nature of mine, but all I know is that it's still working its magic.

Keep your eyes and your spirit open. It will change your life.

Thank you again for sharing Syrianeh, I too feel very serene and at peace with myself. And, I agree with the fact that alot of people study the dark arts for immature reasons. However, starting this path has opened my eyes to the nature of my spirit and it has healed some very deep scars that I had.

Syrianeh wrote:Hi, Ivy. I have been away for a few days and did not read your post until now. I am happy to know you relate. "Insanity" is a good thing to share with others.

I wrote that post a little over a year ago; a lot of surprising things have happened to me since then. But the most outstanding, unexpected, unpredictable thing that has ocurred is that I have been and am at peace with myself.

This is the kind of peace that reconciles personal demons.

I thought I knew it all about myself, but I knew nothing. As someone very wise once said, you must empty yourself out before you really start seeing the inside.

That said, I realize this is just the beginning of the road for me.

Most individuals I have known who feel they have awoken went through a
similar experience. Not so much in circumstance but in nature: that is,
to come out of a very dark personal place and then being somehow
"shown" their true nature.

Many people "embrace" vampirism or the dark arts as a way to run from themselves because they are in turmoil, depressed or troubled. Or because it's the new fad. Most of them are deceiving themselves. That is not true evolution.

True evolution happens when you stop fighting against yourself and just let things happen. When you are ready.

As to that cleansing force you mentioned, whatever has worked for you is good. I am still unsure as to the nature of mine, but all I know is that it's still working its magic.

Keep your eyes and your spirit open. It will change your life.

Those are very good words. I fully agree with you...

I can relate to many things posted here as well...I have found that avoiding the inevitable gets you nowhere...The path meant for you to follow you will always return to...I have felt that emptiness as far back as being a child...I always felt as if I do not belong here...I would sit and look into the sky feeling as if my home was there...I was just thinking about happiness a few days ago...I could have everything I desire and still feel as if I am missing something, someone, someplace...The path of enlightenment is the only comfort as it keeps me connected to the unknown I have been longing for...I always felt two polar opposites within my soul...One is dark beyond measure and one is of pure love...When I started my journey into things of an occult nature, I stayed more on the right hand path, as I was afraid of the things I could be capable of on a dark path...So, the past 7 years I have learned to control my inner rage, practicing a very humble turn the other cheek philosophy of sorts...Not an easy thing to do...Due to getting caught up in personal issues over the years, I have strayed from my original path...Now, having accepted things for what they are I am back on my quest, embracing a darker path with the maturity to handle the things that come with it, having accepted the duality of my nature...I agree with what Syrianeh stated "Many people "embrace" vampirism or the dark arts as a way to run from themselves because they are in turmoil, depressed or troubled. Or because it's the new fad. Most of them are deceiving themselves. That is not true evolution. True evolution happens when you stop fighting against yourself and just let things happen. When you are ready."

This caught my attention as i recently had a experience something like the first one you mentioned... was actually in a conversation with someone and out of nowhere i just got jerked into some abysmal void and kinda hung there for what could of been a split second or a million years as time didn't seem to be ticking... then jerked back just as fast. It is kinda really alarming.

Also... in my not so humble opinion, if you are still getting caught up in the idea of dark and not so dark magic you are seriously limiting yourself. for example take healing. its usually considered a good sort of magic, however you can indeed heal someone to death... in fact you can heal someone into having cancer. Next take a good curse. Usually considered a bad format of magic, yet if utilized right it can be used to teach a lesson to a person when no other method seems to get through to them. Magic is like fire or any other natural force.. it's impartial. It's the user that matters not the sort of magic.