Caught between worlds

I have been meditating on a tweet I saw from Luis Marques for quite some time... I don't want to quote it explicitly but the spirit of it really struck home with me.  Basically... that there is no shame in asking for help.  To me, this is somewhat difficult to grasp, because I am very proud by nature and one of the things that has gotten me into the most trouble is refusing to ask for help when I needed it.  So, in the spirit of this tweet that inspired me, I am (you guessed it) asking for some help.

I must confess that the AB's mention of otherkin has really struck home with me.  And, identifying with so many of the things I am reading is beginning to... bother me.  I have reached the point where meditation won't make this one, nagging thought go away.  It's always there, and I will occasionally let it surface, wondering about it's truthfulness.

I am not going to state explicitly what I am or am not, especially since doing so would be highly egotistical...

However I cannot get away from my tendency to beat myself to a pulp (mentally) over even allowing myself the possibility of being anything other than human.  I am naturally very hard on myself... my logic kicks in quite easily and asks me what on Earth gave me a reason to suspect I am anything other than just your average, regular human.  

I will have dreams that are entirely too coincidental... dreams that would give me tangible clues as to what I truly am... I will write those dreams down so I don't forget them but also wonder at their veracity.  Hoping that my mind isn't playing annoying tricks on me... and since there is always that possibility, being tempted to entirely discard them as light and fluffy fantasies.

In an earlier post I mentioned that it feels like my unawakened Self is trying to dig my true Self out from a pile of rubble... well, now it feels as though I have succeeded in that endeavor, but it almost doesn't matter yet because the person I dug out is still unconscious and seems quite happy with remaining that way.

And yet, the changes are all there, easy to see and tangible... everyone looks different, and I see nothing but emptiness around me from other people because that's what I am, it seems... empty.  All these changes have burned away the person I was, and now I'm a confused shell.  Daily interactions annoy me to almost an incomprehensible level... all around me people are entirely fulfilled by their weekly church meetings and time spent with fake friends.  Where I have isolated myself because I nurture absolutely no desire to waste any time with ignorant and/or fake people.

I will try to get to the point... a good metaphor would be that the lights have been switched on and I am looking around, realizing that the world, previously so colorful and "full", has swept away like mist and here I am, sitting in a plain cardboard box.  All of it wasn't real... The things I had been using to fulfill me, no longer work.  I am at that (slightly) scary moment right after you take a step and realize the ground is no longer underneath your feet...  that one moment right when you start to fall...

Anyway, I hope the more knowledgeable contributors to this forum will forgive the length and questioning nature of this post.  I am humbly asking for any piece of advice anyone might be willing to offer.  While I know that this is my own battle, I feel like some advice from people a little further along in their journey might help.

I know its kind of a random question Rhea; but do you ever sungaze? I find it builds a primal, creative connection between the self and the earth, and it also feels damn good.

Not really, but I do look at the moon a lot, especially when it is full. Gazing at the sun tends to hurt my eyes and make me cranky. lol

When you read the AB, and when you're involve with the Violet Flame, automatically you're dealing with one of the Pillars of Asetian culture, Khepri - Transformation. That is, all your knowledge and wisdom are slowly changing, and only the strong people will survive to this change. Most flees the maximum they can when facing changes and chaos in their lifes. Sometimes, this change may show weakness and ignorance, but is exactly as the concept of phoenix, all your old and stagnant personality is burned and a new personality emerges... The Birth of the Warrior.

I guess people weren't kidding when they told me death was painful...

I am open for the fight though.

When one is conditioned to live in the world of materialism from a child on up, their thinking is directed toward materialism when reaching adulthood and on.  When one begins to wake to the fact there is more than matter, brain, science, etc, and that the real part of all this is pure consciousness, being spirit, I believe that is the act of waking up.  It is not unique, but it is unique to the individual each time.  

Happy Trails.