The dysphoria of awakening

Wandering through heavenly realms, witnessing layers of dream and the source of creation has given me visceral knowledge of the decadence of this world: Enki’s prison illuminated by false light, time and matter binding the soul within constrained dimensions. I have gotten a taste of the source of Life: it is overflowing, endless, utterly transformative and engulfing; human emotions and awareness pale in comparison, self-conscious silhouettes of what we used to be.

I know who I am, and there is no point to my existence but Beauty, Knowledge, and Love. The mundane world is populated with shadows, a maze of dead ends that people enthusiastically and whimsically explore, seeking unconsciously what forever is out of their reach.

I want to see again through Her eyes, but she eludes me, forever lingering around the periphery of my vision, enticing me through memories and desires. Each time I reach for myself I fall back within this human prison, thoughts and feelings that are not mine but borrowed, incidentally implanted within me through cycles of trauma and conditioning.

I wonder if at some point this will get easier.

Would writing down some of the thoughts and feelings help in a potentially somewhat cathartic manner? Not necessarily in a publicly accessible manner; the writings can be entirely and wholly private. Writing tends to be a positive tool for me, for the purpose of reflection and contemplation. Hence the suggestion. While it may not ease the transformative and regressive nature of what you describe to experience, a documentation of it may be at least a way of recording and treasuring it, of being able to read what has been experienced, and as a way of potentially spotting if there are any patterns or cycles.

This is a great idea in my opinion. My experienced with this has helped me a lot personally and I find it a way of ranting to something. I would recommend every time something happens every though you have attempt to write in a form appealing to you linguistically speaking and then reflect on it. And hey it'll improve your literacy too as an added bonus. Writing in any form is always a productive exercise.

Awakening can be very hard.

When we talk about realizing many things, it may be painful to notice that maybe you lived in an illusion before, but that does not mean there won't still be illusions.

It is nice to share, express it in a way you feel better.

I wonder if at some point this will get easier.

Maybe,

or maybe you will learn how to deal with it, than it may appear it is easier, or you get stronger.