A Revelation

.. I know I've felt something, but haven't paid much attention to it.
I frequently have ringing in my ears, so that's not something I would notice a change in.

Those strange dreams and karma, you've mentioned to me before. I've considered and considered, but I just can't recall or in any way be able to substantiate what you've claimed I'm experiencing. No strange dreams, but dreams are funny things and my memory is terrible, so it's possible I simply don't remember.

I've been a lot more creative lately, if that's at all relevant. Whatever the "feeling" is I've not paid attention to, isn't a comfortable or pleasant one. That's not, actively, the reason I don't pay attention, it's not entirely a voluntary choice, I just happen to be thinking, doing, or otherwise involved and preoccupied with other things. It's not willful ignoring, but more of recognition and acceptance for it. Like a fly sitting on the wall. It might irk me a bit that it's there, but I don't pay it much mind if it's just sitting there.

The last three days I've gradually had worse or more difficult sleep. I consider I might as well not even try. I think it's honestly this isolation/distancing thing. I'm out of work, and prefer not to leave the house. I haven't actively considered it could be spiritual, though it would make sense. I figure it's mostly just "Cabin Fever" (laugh) and a bit of my chronic conditions flaring with lack of activity, sleep and a small disruption in my necessary supplement.

I'm aware that I may be subtlety different online. Depending on the location (Ie. Forum like this, facebook or whatever) I change a little, but I try to be as honest as I can. I don't seek to project too much or hide at all. I might talk more, thoughts come out easier through type than they do from a generally shy and hesitant voice (mouth?). I don't trust most people. I'm mostly stable with myself it's less self esteem or anything like that, though that's been a process over years and I'm sure there's still bits. I say it's probably not me, but other people, but that still boils down to something about me.

I have met others in person. I had a sort of mentor when I was a young teen. He was only 2 years older, so only a child himself, but back then he seemed wise to me and he surely presented himself as dark, knowledgeable stuff. Pretty appealing to someone who wants knowledge, but doesn't know any better. I mean this forum, the theme (colors, etc.) and most things that touch on Occult and Esoteric topics. Most Metaphysical and Energy related topics get dressed in the fashion. So it's easily misperceived as "the darker the better" for someone who may be more naive than they realize.

He turned out not only to be a sociopath in person but just a terrible person. I mean I wasn't exactly an excellent friend to him either. I didn't feel comfortable connecting too deeply with him in person. I expected actual mentoring, guidance and what I received was energetic muscle flexing and mind games as a first impression.

I've met a handful of others. They're individuals. Most of them I call friend today some I'm a bit back and forth with.

I may have got lost in a mini ramble here and not actually addressed the question, I apologize. I might try again if I manage to not just lurk as a guest, but to also sign in, and then come up with something I think would be worthy enough for you guys.

Lately I feel unintentionally prone to wasting the time of the regular members here, people I still highly respect. I've been working harder to hold myself back here, but am on the fence if that is good and an appropriate thing to do, or if it's a sign of something I should look more into and adjust.

*The mentioning sleep thing. Was meant to convey that, while I consider obvious, physical (and related neurological) causes first, given the subject of this thread, I don't discount the chance that this too could be related.

I'm an honest person in person and online. I'm quiet and resevered naturally but am prone to over talking and excessive volume when I'm comfortable or tense/anxious. I've been told that I seem a little different, but don't recall how. I know I've been told that how I type, is surprisingly exactly how I talk.

Maxx, to me as a 16 year old, you would have been a real appealing guy to me. Not in any infatuation sort of way, but at least to me you I perceive you as that sort of mildly intimidating, dark, but wise kind of personality. Although I respect you and appreciate your thoughts, I don't think I'm as naive as I was at 16

Regarding holding myself back, I still feel a pull here. I still at least have an interest if "pull" or "draw" are not truly the accurate words that I feel they are. So, while I hope it doesn't result in negative interactions, and I of course intend to provide something of substance, I can't be sure how it comes off to you all. I'm not one that gives up or stops easily, so I still post anyway.

one's life is gauged by each ten year period. One can look back and see how they have changed as the growth factor begins to show up in their mental realm. An expression is not the only thing that is evident, but also things in life can be seen as an accomplishment and that shows up in material ways which one can see and feel and touch and know there is merit there I always go back and reflect on how the mystery schools gauged wisdom. None allowed to enter until reaching the age of 50. At that point, they can be open to dealing with life and options and make decisions based on understanding. Education then becomes real... or the real thing begins.

Until that point, one has many options and can make all kinds of mistakes.  During those episodes, things can be turned around and choices are seen as either producing for one or not.  So I could say that the mistakes are not that big because there is still time to take care of the mistakes and right them.  But after age 50, one can be expected to be in control of life to the point that the learned expression to get a positive result has become second nature.

And if there is no success....then one will have to find the growth factor in the next life.

But for your own info, I can see you have changed considerably since your inception here. But everyone does or they are gone. So that is a compliment. That is it for the day....but I have 10 minutes left before I can start a new day and I always have a leash on me where I can give at least two compliments a day.

Lol, it's been a new day for over an hour here. I should have attempted sleep hours ago.

I hope I've grown in a positive, or constructive way. I feel less spiritually inclined though. I mean, to some extent, it seems normal given lifes chaotic ebs and flows. I wanted so badly to build more spiritually, but life doesn't seem to be playing out that way. My senses, my prophetic dreams, all of those involuntary things that I used to experience, either I don't or I just don't notice anymore. I don't feel like I've grown in the direction I wanted to, but there's so many directions that have always appealed to me. It's not a failure, and there's still time, but in many ways, under many categories, I feel that time grows short. I feel that too late might be sooner for me. I don't mean to sound cryptic. It's not like I expect to die (though the subject is an irrational fear that I hope to be able to explore and settle before I have to face it).

I used to float out of my own body (or at least that was the words I considered fit the experience, long after the fact) as a child. Just lay there, pretending to be dead so "aliens" would have no interest in abducting me (wow I must be really tired). I'd then think, think a lot. I wondered why, when we're asleep and especially when dreaming, why we don't still feel the bed we are on. While awake, but playing dead, I experimented with sensation and my focus on my bed at my skin. I could manipulate it. I could recreate the feeling of the absence of my bed. I would sometimes fall asleep doing this. .. but then sometimes I would come back with a jolt, either already awake or I'd wake up as if falling onto my bed.

I used to be able to expand my mind at will, I used to be so open to sensation. The first time I got drunk, I didn't fight the spinning of the room. Though my body was still, I went along for the ride.

Ok well that's not much detail, and may be empty anyway, but my point is. Those involuntary (though voluntary in some ways) things, and many things I was uncomfortable with. I don't experience anymore. Prophetic dreams, I'm even less aware of energy draws. I used to know exactly when my body was trying to regulate itself.

Maybe it was all a lie I convinced myself of, maybe I've simply lost touch and it's really ok.

I miss it, but it bums me out that in hindsight, it seems like all the experiences, all the sensations, they were all or nothing. I never really knew how to grow it. It came naturally, and seemed to have faded naturally. Sure I practice a couple things here and there because I want to believe it's still there. I do believe it is. Any "will" or intention I throw out into the universe, 9 times out of 10, I'm not sure it does anything. But when it does, if I'm even a little receptive to it, it seems to be something that I didn't actually try at.

Seeing entities in my bedroom, feeling watched. Even some of the remote viewing experiences, many of it I wanted to stop. ...and in that regard, I'm glad it did. I just wish I could still notice the good and neutral stuff... Maybe I'm mildly schizophrenic and it's just never been severe enough to matter.

The last time anything happened. It was before this new year. I think it was cold, but there was no snow yet. I don't remember how long ago. My boyfriend's parents were out of state for a week and we had to visit daily to house sit (and stay over as much as our work schedules allowed). That entire week was refreshing and a little unnerving. I kept seeing people in my peripheral, I kept hearing my boyfriend talk to me or call my name when he'd said nothing. I mean, at least I perceived his voice or assumed it was his. I tried to listen, tried to be open. Nothing more happened. It began mildly in my own apartment maybe a day or two before, was heaviest in the parents' house, and maybe had only one occurrence after we settled back into our normal routine in our own home. I think I registered a (or the) voice as different from my boyfriend's only once.

I've heard of people hearing the thoughts of others, I once considered this to be part of the white noise in my head and subtlety in my ears but have never been able to test or otherwise substantiate it. I've heard of spiritual beings (believed to be relatives, guides, etc. or just unrelated entities of their own nature, including some considering them all demons) potentially seeking to communicate as an explanation for when things get randomly louder and more apparent like this.

All of you talking about how you've felt in your bones that something is or was coming (heck most spiritualities repeat this kind of idea a ton), but your words got me wondering about that week again. If my tendencies (real or mental illness *shrug*) are stronger when they're left to naturally exist, to express involuntarily (or mostly so), I wonder what that week was supposed to communicate, if anything, to me...

Rambling. I'm gonna put myself to bed now. Goodnight. I hope this was at least entertaining (:

*not that it needs to be said. I still identify as I always have. The old labels as far as personal identity still fit as far as I can perceive. It's just the active experience of anything of a spiritual or energetic nature is like gone, numbed or not as significant as it used to be.

thanks for sharing your thoughts Amelia. All of those experiences you shared about starting to have these strange sensations, to me it sounds like the start of developing subtle sensitivity of both the subtle body, and towards energy itself. Those do not sound as schizophrenic or delusional at all, since the actual experience of remote viewing as an example you shared, is backed up by the actual sensations which are simply near impossible to describe or put in words. The fact that you are going back to those, and revisiting them in your mind under a new light, seems likely to be connected with the main topic of this thread, like you mentioned, which includes the whole process in and of itself. I feel like this period as a whole, which might be connected to the coronavirus thing in some form or another, either directly or indirectly, has given the space for people to revisit their past and realign themselves. About the feeling you've been having lately, I thought as well it might be spiritual but I don't know from experience how the situation with the virus is there, but it could be due to limited interactions and hence less cycling of your own energy, which can either manifest as stagnation or be used to fuel your mood with things which have to do with self-improvement, in some form or the other. You are welcome here, you might not be the most knowledgeable about the occult specifically, but you have your own unique experiences and a desire to learn with an open mind. I also had a period where I changed a lot and reconsidered how I interact in this forum, so I want to apologize if I ever came off as offensive to you in the past. 

oh, I also wanted to add that I don't believe these sensations and abilities ever truly disappeared from what I understand in your writings. It sounds like you intentionally had avoided or turned them off, but they weren't for nothing if that makes sense, it is like muscle memory, or riding the bike. All you have to do after that has happened is flip the switch

I was really tired last night. I suppose this IS an example of people who may be a little different online or in person.

I feel a little embarrassed by the personal detail I went into and mentioned things I don't even talk about in real life (Most people are either TOO "woo woo" or simply don't comprehend a thing I might describe).

I've always revisited that past. For years and years. Even if not an active part, it's a part of me. ...and one that I visit with a sense of curiosity and analysis (nostalgia too). I don't perceive it as anything special or dependent on the times, though that doesn't' make your suggestion wrong.

I have no memory or active feeling that I ever perceived you as offensive or off-putting, Naoom.

I suspect they never went away. Given some of the more unpleasant experiences, I do accept the likelihood that I managed to turn them off, despite thinking I couldn't. I still don't like that it seems to happen as all or nothing, but I've mulled the consideration that perhaps, even if I start baby steps (like meditations) I might be able to slowly reopen that switch. So that I can experience the good bits, while keeping the unpleasant ones at a level I can handle. I've considered several times in my life that I might be losing my mind when these happenings become too strong or too frequent. I suppose the self awareness is the saving grace, but it is almost traumatizing to think you're truly and utterly losing it and have no control over when you'll finally crack completely.


On a more interesting note. After unloading all of that potential bs last night (hah, maybe I just need a spiritually inclined therapist), I did end up with "strange" dreams (fulfilling Maxx's prophecy, much? ). Mostly interactions in the forum here, but ended up with potentially significant dream too.

I've apparently had semi-recurring dreams. Like how people describe teeth-falling-out sorts of dreams. It's always the same dream (I've had them too).

My repeating dreams come in phases and may go away, then come back every couple of years (like said teeth dreams or my being chased by a chain saw guy in a cul-de-sac. I think I finally took control of that sucker and ripped him apart finally ending those dreams).

These recent dreams involve spiders. Some unimportant interaction (relocating a box or bucket of spiders) and then after the interaction there's the consideration of a few stragglers ON me.
Like walking through the woods, you expect you may pick up a tick or two by happenstance. No big deal, but still something you want to confirm and remedy if it turns out to be true.

In this dream, it changed. I usually ask my boyfriend to help look me over and confirm if there are any on me, and help me remove them.

I am afraid of spiders, but as I value all life, I try really hard to contain my knee-jerk "kill it!" and instead respond in a controlled and reasonable manner. I still respect them.

After removing my first upper layer (I often wear two or three layers of varying shirt type garments) and coming to the observation that there was nothing, usually this is about where the dream ends (or I've already willed myself to fast forward and end it because it's the same thing) and I consider what it would be like if I tried to will it to change or extend. - I'm consistently a lucid dreamer but too much messing with dreams can often result in booting me out of sleep entirely and may lead me to waking feeling less rested.

Anyway, after the usual "nothing", there was a change. My boyfriend suggested we maybe have missed some and didn't see it all. He seemed to strongly feel this way. Of course, this tenses me a bit, I don't want spiders on me. So I strip down some more.

Down to just my underwear (panties) we find a gathering of spiders and one much larger one, right there on the front of my remaining clothing. Sort of the "Queen", I guess in this way, and in appearance they more resembled ants, but that's an unimportant detail.

Upon this discovery, I'm frozen. Trying very hard not to react. I don't want to hurt them, but I don't want them hurting me. So I'm frozen, in panic, contemplating what our next and most efficient step is to remove these things as quickly as possible before I enter freak out mode and risk everything involved. At this very moment, I experience a physical pain in my lower side, about my hip area. It likely was a cat stretching and accidentally poking me, but the timing of it was bad and pushed me over the edge of my fear response. I woke up to the sound of my own voice letting out a weak "ah" and my boyfriend extending a toe to my leg to reassure me where I am and that I'm ok (a little role reversal as he's had a number of times where he's made weird seemingly panicked vocalizations in his sleep, to which I extend an arm, stable hand or full embrace for).

I picked up on the fear symbolism immediately. Clearly there's something I'm afraid of.
As I typed this, it dawned on me the area of my body may also be symbolic for vulnerability.
Also, as I typed this, I may have put it together that the dream was a reaction to my previous comments here and my resulting fear and/or sense of vulnerability in exposing all of that.

*I didn't sleep for as long, but the quality was better than it's been the last few days. Whether it was because of the release in text, or as a result of my finally having a dream, I'm not sure.

Hope this proves a meaningful share. Thank you for the opportunity.

*Ah. Re-reading my previous comments. The spider dream BEFORE commenting in this forum last night, might suggest that I'm regularly handling something that makes me uncomfortable, even if I'm handling it well, it's simply an expression or a release of that pent up "Oh my freaking god" that I control or hold back. This could entirely be related to the virus situation. I started following it in the news regularly, but have since dropped off and re-situated myself to focus more on what is in my realistic scope of observation and control. My life, my home, my body, those kinds of things. Reading and listening about how out of hand it is everywhere else (while it deserves it's place to be highlighted) doesn't serve me much good and may only strain me more.

I will just suggest that you consider what I am going to say. In your move from your regular dwelling to spend more time at the boyfriends' parent's place for a week, you possibly moved from your accustomed setting which included microwave tower, cell phone tower, wi-fi broadband, smart meter, etc. and additional microwave issues which you are in most of the time. This would hinder much of the natural ability to interact with a natural process to grow with any psychic ability. I ask for you to consider if the parents' location was more in a rural setting that could possibly lack all the city features just described.

Also, your jerking while lying in bed before venturing off to sleep is certainly muscle jerks as your body relaxes and winds down. Very normal.

I know what you mean by saying it feels like it is either all or nothing. I think it is because like emotions, you can't turn off a part of your natural energy and its processes, while keeping the others untouched. Energy, like emotions, is a full spectrum. What we can do though, is learn to enforce the positive aspects of the things we wish to develop, and this will allow to solve the drawbacks by balancing these aspects instead of trying to segment them. It really works like emotions because of a property in our subtle bodies which has to do with layers of energy, which are the actual carriers of our emotions. So allowing yourself to explore both the positives and the negatives, will eventually bring a greater balance than before, and a more unified one. This is just my experience though, it could be something different.

Maxx, They are in another city, while we are in an apartment. So a little quieter, being a private house, but pretty much the same environment.

I know sleep twitches are normal

Thank you for sharing your thoughts, Naoom

No need to feel embarrassed for sharing. That is what the forum is designed for. Sharing experiences, thoughts, discussions.

It seems like you are on an interesting track.

A.Nightside, I personally live by a philosophy where such subtle experiences and sensitivities don't matter as to the truth of the core of spirituality, albeit are important tools for working magick. In my view, however, they are fleeting astral or subtle experiences - not the core of true spirituality - just like clouds in the sky are fleeting movements of condensed water in the air but part of the sky that remains constant. Pure awareness, your beingness, your original nature, your true nature, remains ever-present and the same and that is the core of spirituality. Expectation and desire should not be placed upon those astral or subtle experiences apart from natural development through spiritual evolution; but reliance thereupon as any indication or proof of true spirituality should be discarded as it is like putting sticks in the wheels for the flow of the pure water of being to gush forth. It is a misplacement of awareness, which should otherwise be brought back to itself as the watering of the seed of the flower of spiritual growth (the seed of that being consciousness) to unfold its blossom (the expansion of consciousness) and automatically develop those powers in time, perseverance and effort, as mere outcomes or byproducts of that inner work of development. But later it should be given specified focus and training from that unfolded potential so as to not be unguided or disused but known how to be operated and properly employed. Magick and spirituality aren't the same necessarily, although magick is spiritual but spirituality isn't necessarily magick as there are many forms of spirituality that work without magick but yet help you to grow towards genuine and authentic realizations of the Self. That said, however, spirituality enormously benefits magick as a silent, subtle power and any genuine magickal path should definitely be combined with spirituality or else it loses its spark as something insignificant and fallen into the pits of mere mundane goals of orientation. And spirituality, even, might greatly benefit by magickal practice, understanding and knowledge. And so, they can - and do - go very much together, however.

Mystic,
In reading your post it brings a quote to mind by Ernest Holmes.

"We don't see things as they are;
We see things as we are."

This applies to everyone. Even weird humans like myself.

Thank you, all.